Battlecat and Kibble Chops

We had one of the busiest Bank Holiday weekends I can remember. I personally worked at least one 14 hour day. I can’t tell you what happened because a lot of it was in the newspapers.

Back home the LOLcats finally managed to successfully ambush Kibble Chops on the upstairs landing. Battle cat took a right pounding but Big cat managed to “scratch and run”. Ugly.

It was also my beautiful niece’s birthday. Happy Birthday to the best footballer in her class!

Imagine my deep joy at the prospect of Tuesday’s “Performance Meeting”, where the fresh and rested sit in judgement over the tired and dirty.

The meeting was hysterical in a nervous kind of way. The Hate Crime Unit were ritually humiliated for the increase in Hate Crime (from 2 to 3 by the way) and the “Community Cohesion Unit” were congratulated for their success in encouraging more victims of Hate Crime to come forward (from 2 to 3 strangely enough).

Someone has to loose; they take turns.

Note: Definition of Hate Crime? Any crime which anyone thinks is a Hate Crime. Anyone spookily includes the Community Cohesion Unit, in whose interests an increase in reporting sits!

Couldn’t Prosecute Satan

Next time you hear a politician claim that crime can be dealt with effectively by somehow reorganising the police, give a thought to Wayne from Ruraltown.

Last week, Wayne was on Bail for punching his elderly mother in the face. He went back to the house (breaching his Bail conditions) and pushed his elderly father down the stairs. Wayne was drunk at the time and had gone round to “persuade” his mother to drop charges against him.

He was quickly arrested by police from F Division and remanded in our custody by CID. Wayne went to Court the next day and was released on Bail again!

This time, they gave him a curfew as well as the usual “not to contact named witnesses”. Thing is, these offences were committed during the day. Never mind. Curfew it is.

Naturally, his behaviour reinforced several times by the Court (i.e. no consequences) Wayne became drunk, and went around to his parents address. We attended and he was arrested.

Police found him with a can of petrol and a lighter at the back of the house.

Three arrests, a home safety package (which worked - hence arrest number three) two Remand Applications, three taped interviews and two Court appearances.

Someone tell me where the police have failed here?

All the fellatious talk about “Safer Neighbourhoods” and “Citizen Focus” are for nought if someone fails to grip the wretched situation with Magistrates.

Please don’t send me to Canada!

The book is out in August.

Clearly, it is very difficult to tell what kind of Police we will be in August 2008. Will we be Intelligence Lead? Will we still be Citizen Focused? Will we still care about Detected Crime Rates? Did we ever?

Here is a plan. I’ll take the piss out of all of it.

To anyone who thinks:

“Here is another shameless plan to fund Gadget’s enormous appetite for Doughnuts and coffee”

I would simply say this:

“Correct. Doughnuts are expensive and the bakery deserves to be paid like everyone else”

However; I will try and expose the most appalling sham of the last 10 years in the process (except for Education, the NHS, the Prisons, the Railways, the Water Companies and the two Wars). Actually, it’s probably NOT the most appalling sham in the last 10 years having looked again at that list, but it is the one I know most about!

One of the things I want from this book is for Gadget fans to be able to have something to carry around and dip into every now and again. I know it’s a pain to have to “log on” all the time to see what madness is going on in Ruralshire.

To the Chief Constable of Ruralshire Constabulary I would simply like to say this:

“Please don’t fire me”.

“Perverting The Course Of Justice” will sell a lot of copies. Debbie has a large family!

Stop Press

The Chief Constable of Ruralshire Constabulary has paid a secret visit to police officers on the front line in Ruraltown.

His visit to F Division lasted three hours. One Constable claims to have actually seen him over all the big hats of his entourage.

During the visit, the Chief issued a statement saying:

“I have now met all those aspiring for the upcoming Superintendent’s Promotion Board, and I would like to say how flattered I was by all the compliments they paid to me”

Asked by a local reporter if he had met the infamous Inspector Gadget, the Chief replied:

“Inspector who?”

He was then swept away in a high powered Volvo, flanked by a unit we have never actually seen before (despite the huge cost of maintaining it) called “The Motorbike Unit”.

Terrorism is the new Rock ‘n’ Roll.

People ask me why Ruralshire Constabulary no longer have a Drug Squad.

First, Drug Squads were for a time before just about every criminal was on drugs. Now you have to be a professor of Chemistry to understand the ever changing classifications and legal position of controlled drugs. Drug Squad officers were NOT professors of anything. Trust me on this.

Second, Drug Squads were for a time before junkies and their pushers were ‘victims’ themselves. They were also for a time when the Courts actually used to send people to prison, and for a time before illegal drugs were cheaper in prison than outside.

Third, the word “Squad” is banned (it reeks of the days when we actually used to go out and nick bad guys). Squads never used to offer prisoners twelve different types of Halal menu and four different types of herbal tea before interview (true story).

Finally, Terrorism is the ‘latest biggest thing’ despite killing far less people than Drugs. Something had to go to make way for the new religion.

The white silk scarf proves that Osama saw Elvis in Vegas.

It won’t surprise you to know that all the long haired, leather jacketed, roll-up out of the side of the mouth operatives have now left the Drug Squads and transferred to……………… the Counter Terrorist Teams. If they are as competent as they were last time around, there should be a fundamentalist terrorist waiting to kill everyone and go straight to heaven on every street corner in Ruraltown by 2012.

Note: Please don’t write in and tell me that illegal drugs are linked to terrorists. Nobody likes a smart-arse!