These days, modern policing is more about Public Relations and spin than it is about catching criminals.
Here at F Division, we spend increasing amounts of time attending meetings. Meetings about crime statistics, meetings about ‘Performance Plus’, meetings about whether we are having enough meetings (absolutely true) and finally, meetings about ‘meeting the public’.
Here are the new Ruralshire Constabulary corporate logos, exclusively launched today, in a blaze of disinterest.
The new coffee mugs will be available in time for Christmas. I wouldn’t want anyone to upset their SMT by proudly displaying one of these on the desk/ in the Parade Room.
Having said that, let’s wait and see which force bans them first!
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I’ll have one of each please
What about the ‘We don’t give a f*** as long as we get our bonus for achieving bent targets’.
Apparently Chief constables receive multi thousand pound bonuses.
Can you keep them under a tenner? I don’t qualify for an SPP this year?
Good mugs Boss.
I’d like “HARASSING INNOCENT CHAVS SINCE 1749″.
Just out of interst. I am a lowly Plod and so have never had the pleasure of attending a meeting about a meeting or even a meeting about meeting the public. I would really like to know the following:-
1. How do you keep a straight face?.
2. Does anybody there voice the opinion that you are all wasting your time?.
3. Does anyone see the irony?.
Or does everybody see all that but its like the elephant in the room and you all leave with the feeling that a small peice of your soul has been stolen?.
meetings srs bsns
Hey, our monsters are related!
Intersting Hunn.
At my last station I inherited a meetings culture where the monday morning `tasking and co-ordinating` gathering had the world and his wife in attendance incl community beat officers and occasionally the community beat sgt who really didn’t want to be there and, without a specific reason, shouldn’t have been. I ditched it. I didn’t need to drag them off their jobs to tell me what was going on because I could find all that out for myself. I’d only call them in if it appeared that I knew more than they did. All I wanted was the person who could tell me the most identifiable/prolific crim and the options to nail him/her/it. I’d then try to allocate resources until they were nailed. No `target of the week` crap. It remained a target until we hit it or a worse one rose to the surface. That weekly meeting took a sum total of 3 staff. It worked a treat for 3 years. When I moved on, back came the meetings overflowing with officers, civ support et al. I’m sure that similar stories have followed in Mr Gadgets wake. Christ, what a mess.
As a Standard Issue Human (civilian) I thought policing was a 24hr job, shift based.
Does the results of the early shift meeting get posted to the other shifts or do they have their own versions? Essentially creating three seperate ‘worlds’ of policing.
On topic, I like number 2 “Yes, we know you pay our wages”
You answered your own question.
Our corridors regular reverberate with the shout, “I was on nights! No one told me the result of that early meeting. What do you think I am? Psychic?”
Thanks Howard.
I was hoping the answer would be in the region of “No, all reports are copied in to all shifts to ensure continuity”.
So if I commit a crime at night I can wander the streets in the day, secure in the knowledge that the officers won’t have been told about me. Bonus!
Please make in to stickers that I can decorate my farce with.
Brilliant! Rear screen, bottom right on all patrol cars. Now that’s what I call a target!
Oh my god, Ruralshire constabulary stickers could be the new “I’ve met the Met” ones that get plastered on anything and everything from visiting colleagues, MP’s vehicles, statues and anything that doesn’t belong to us but is within arms reach.
I’ve just checked my pay slip and I also pay 1/3 of my wages.
So I reduce my insult to anyone who tells me that by 2/3. Cocks!.
Blindin’. I’ll have twelve of each please.
I tell you this: either you start selling those as stickers or I steal the images off the blog and get some made!
Top idea.
I’ll offer a fiver out of my own pocket to anyone who can stick one on the back of a Chief Inspector or higher rank.
Hoddy
Errm, forgive me for intruding here but not only is the blog great, it’s also rather (middle class euphemism) worrying.
Yesterday, walking home five kids – and they were kids, none over 4′ tall – screamed obscenities at me for a good minute. Now, I live in Soton, where there the police do a very, very good job (even to the point of preventing me getting mugged by a teenager with, oh, seven prior convictions).
What can I do about this? I refuse to scream abuse back (I’m thirty, not three) and I obviously can’t take a crossbow to them, chain them to a wall and flog them until they learn manners. Do I have to just put up with it?
What really, really infuriates is that I’m almost certainly paying for them. It’s disgusting. What needs to be done to allow the police, to, you know police?
Nick i would love to say the crossbow idea is the way forward, however you seem like an intelligent person who probably works and pays taxes, lives in a nice house that you work hard to pay the mortgage on and dont beat the crap out of the Mrs at the weekend for not giving you enough wages (dole money) to buy your 12 pack of superbow with! So i dont want you to go down the steps and serve some serious time lol!
You could of course report it to your local station, especially if they are there regularly and you can identify them, however i imagine that someone somewhere will get it wrong and you will end up wasting alot of time because someone somewhere else doesnt think that you are a target minority and god firbid we criminalise the little fookers!
Hug them next time and thank them for spending your tax money, little waste of wanks that they are!
Phone the local police and tell them it was a Homophobic/ Islamophobic incident and they will be round so quick you wouldn’t believe it. Seriously.
Love it! Must use this in one of my novels with your permission, of course.
I was going along those lines Gaffer, imagine the horror when they find out it was none of the above!
Have Heterophobic, Protestantophobic, Catholicophobic or Britisherphobic crimes been invented yet?
Or, are those minority groups being discriminated against?
I was sent a log to call back a man who, whilst drunk, wanted to report he had been called a “ginger tosser” and arrange a time he could be seen to take details – the calltaker and supervisor on the night shift that had preceded me had recorded that as a hate crime!
I didn’t make that appointment, thankfully common sense prevailed – but it won’t be long if the fatties get their way (anyone see that?)
I was doing some acting this year and attended some meetings, pretending to be an Inspector….What struck me was that everyone over the rank of Inspector there clearly had no idea what on Earth was actually going on. They were on a different planet. I kept my gob shut!
Anyway – in our force we have an official form to request a new form be commissioned, once completed it is sent to the forms committee at HQ!!
Got to love it!
Ah well. A bit sad really that these days ‘parenting’ seems to be a career choice instead of a commitment.
A few weeks ago when the bus stopped I stumbled into a fellow passenger and knocked her glasses off. All the following day and weekend I worried about how rude I had been. It’s inconceivable to me to behave otherwise.
At what point did such behaviour become acceptable, and everyone powerless to do anything about it?
As stickers they would be fantastic – sure to be plastered all over my Farce for sure. Yes please!
CSC – //an official form to request a new form be commissioned,//
My priority would be a form to notify the Office that we hadn’t got any of the forms used to notify them that we hadn’t got the forms needed to ask for the forms we had run out of.
Boss,
In the interests of diversity, could I suggest mugs of different colours and sizes?
Maybe one with a slightly warped handle?
Have you formed a commitee to ensure that everyone is getting an opportunity to contribute to the strategy for mug creation? Then you can ignore any common sense ideas and replace the mugs in a year when they’re deemed not fit for use.
Will gay and lesbian mugs be represented?
What is the path for these mugs over the longer term?
Do you have a PSD mug? ‘We’re watching you drink that!’
A Health & Safety mug? ‘Yes, the contents have been risk assessed!’
An IT support Mug? ‘ Press one if the contents are hot…’
And finally an old timers mug? ‘This is not the mug I joined with…’
Like them all, ‘specially the ‘elf ‘n’ safety one.
SAFE TEA ONLY.
By Order.
The Elves.
Cadbury.
(Because Elfin Safe Tea is very important in these litigious times.)
Actually, because of how helpful we IT chaps are (not) it should be:
Press the “ANY” key if the contents are hot…’
You will find that the owl probably died of suffocation and or hypothermia
One new keyboard please. This one’s got coffee dripping out of it.
Love the mugs, how about…”Shuttung the door after the horse has bolted”.
I look forward to placing my order!
Gadget,
You must have heard the spoof American fake-voicemail message which circulates on mobile phones?! Various “press 1″ type options could be used here, too:
1. If you’d like to whine about an officer not doing anything to solve a problem you created, press 1;
2. If you’d like to ask if someone has to die before we’ll do anything to solve a problem, press 2;
3. If you’d like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate, press 3;
4. If you’d like us to raise your children, press 4;
5. If you’d like us to take control of your life because of your chemical dependency, press 5;
6. Remember, we’re here to save your arse, not kiss it.
I’m sure you could paraphrase that lot …
Stickers please, oh and mugs!
How about “papering over the cracks” or even “p*ssing in the wind” or, of course, “fiddling while Rome burns”…
Another request for stickers.
Oh! And PENS!
Mugs please, my sis and her BF need one each for Christmas.
Bet neither of them dare take them into their nick though.
Can I recommend this website:
http://www.blockposters.com/
Free of charge to use, you simply upload an image file (one of Gadgets stickers above for a random example), the web-site will convert it into a PDF document which you simply download and print out.
Importantly, you can specify how many A4 pages your image should be spread over before saving it. Ten, twenty, fifty?
So if you needed an advertising hoarding sized poster to stick up somewhere around Ruralshire you can simply create one yourself.
Simples.
Insp…. You could be onto something big here… I can see a whole range of merchandise (most of which will appear on my Crimbo list…… Will there be any T-Shirts in the near future????
Boil-in-the-bag ready meal?
I bet someone did it for a hoot.
Maybe a bit off-topic but this blog also gets to the heart of what is wrong with British Policing. I came across this blog via a political correctness watch blog that I read regularlyl
http://gatesofvienna.blogspot.com/2009/10/multiculturalism-has-destroyed-british.html
Ok, I believe some of it is over the top (maybe?)
If by ‘over the top’ you mean ‘ignorant, ill-informed racist drivel’ then yeah, I think it might be. Bloody hell.
weepeecee, Really? You think? I’m not so sure. Gadget made a comment about how callers can ensure police attendance and attention by alleging a ‘hate crime’ – a direct result of the PCdriven-multicultural-diversity fuelled agenda of government and ACPO.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1221759/Hammer-attack-victim-seeks-1m-damages-politically-correct-school-closed-eyes-racial-tensions-Henry-Webster-Asian-Invasion-Swindon-Ridgeway-Foundation.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1221773/We-afford-DNA-test-skirt-police-tell-victim-sex-attack.html
Now I’m sorry that they’re links from the Daily Mail and many readers will be horrified BUT the former story certainly has a basis of truth about it and the latter, well it is very believable. If only the victim had included the fact that the attacker said something about her being ‘white’ and that she thought he was a foreigner. Job done.
Never used to be a problem when everyone was treated equally (a) by the police and (b) the courts. Why is the statue of justice blindfolded? It all went wrong when the treat everybody differently depending on their race, creed, sexuality and disability came in.
That’s why Gadget’s stickers are so marvellous because that is in fact the situation.
weepeecee, Really? You think?
I’m not so sure.
Gadget made a comment about how callers can ensure police attendance and attention by alleging a ‘hate crime’ – a direct result of the PCdriven-multicultural-diversity fuelled agenda of government and ACPO.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1221759/Hammer-attack-victim-seeks-1m-damages-politically-correct-school-closed-eyes-racial-tensions-Henry-Webster-Asian-Invasion-Swindon-Ridgeway-Foundation.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1221773/We-afford-DNA-test-skirt-police-tell-victim-sex-attack.html
Now I’m sorry that they’re links from the Daily Mail and many readers will be horrified BUT the former story certainly has a basis of truth about it and the latter, well it is very believable.
If only the victim had included the fact that the attacker said something about her being ‘white’ and that she thought he was a foreigner. Job done.
Never used to be a problem when everyone was treated equally (a) by the police and (b) the courts. Why is the statue of justice blindfolded? It all went wrong when the treat everybody differently depending on their race, creed, sexuality and disability nonsense came in.
Just why is it thought right that some people get a ‘better’ service because they are not part of the majority population? I know what the answer is but it is just wrong!
That’s why Gadget’s stickers are so marvellous because that is in fact the situation.
The much-traduced British police are now protectors of the multicultural/socialist state rather than the protectors of the law-abiding general public. If you are a member of the ruling elite, the police are not only your political servants but also your personal bodyguards. If, on the other hand, you are a member of the increasingly persecuted class, by which I mean traditionally British, irrelevant of income or education, then the police have at best abandoned you, or at worst become your enemy.
You may not want to hear this, weepeecee, but this is how you and all other Crown Servants are increasingly perceived by ordinary English people. Ever since NuLiebour brought in the Race Relations (Amendment) Act 2000 that put a legal requirement on all public bodies and all individual public servants to “promote good race relations” [Cultural Marxist NewSpeak for "suppress any and every expression of English cultural identity"], in fact.
Now all public servants have to pretend to love Multiculturalism, “Equality” and Diversity [Big Sibling of non-specific gender is watching you] for fear that they will otherwise be denounced by one of their colleagues and lose their job.
And every time you have to assent to this Big Lie, you lose a little more of what little is left of your integrity, and yet more of you dies. Just as they intended all along. (Google Theodore Dalrymple on political correctness.)
Aye carumba. Just by that previous quote, I think you’re right weepeecee.
jesus wept.
Stickers pleeeeeeeeeeease
Plus, how about,
“You think you’re rock ‘cos you wear that hat” always goes down well.
or
“Ruralshire, at least we’re not the Met.”
Guv, do i get a spot of commision or a few freebies as the sticker idea seems a flyer
What about
‘You’re right. I can’t arrest you without my cap on.’
No I dont know who your father is, DO you?
(i have used this and got a complaint)
Want a mug!
Want stickers!
How about
” For a truly vapid response”
Apologies to response teams!
How about
Ruralshire Constabulary – We know where you live.
DUDE! are you back?
Surely-
Ruralshire Constabulary – We know where you live, but limited resources mean we’ll never actually come to your house.
Meetings. The ACC came round to every nick to talk about what is probably now called customer focus. Twenty odd chairs had been assembled in rows, so we sat down facing the one chair that was for the ACC. Suddenly one PC said ‘Let’s turn his chair into a commode’. A litter bin was strategically placed under his chair which created just the right effect. I’m not sure what was said in the meeting as we were all jabbing pens into our legs and biting our tongues to suppress laughter.
Tell you what boss, this blog is a much nicer place to be since you know who had his meds dosage upped, or whatever happened.
May I?
“Is this your beverage container, sir?”
“Urine sample. Use once and discard.”
“DO NOT remove from evidence locker.”
“DO NOT remove from custody suite.”
“No, I don’t know what @#$% time it is.”
“My other mug is a DS.”
“IC1, two sugars, thanks.”
Tell me if im going mad!
I was informed by a good friend who came to us from the mets, that they could not call a spade a spade.
instead it had ot refered to as a “Soil relocating device”!!!!
I thought he was joking, sadly he wasnt!
whats it coming to next.
what nonsense.
Blueknight……..I’ll lay money that at least one ‘bright young thing’ with an eye on the HDPS (or whatever it’s called this week) grabbed the comode, after the meeting, with a view to searching through it for pearls of wisdom to call his or her own at the next PDR !
Mugs – my thoughts…..
1. “Ruralshire Constabulary – making changes to screw response”
2. “Ruralshire Constabulary – managing the world on a nine to five basis”
3. “Ruralshire Constabulary – serving the underclass, ignoring the true victim”
4. “Ruralshire Constabulary – because over reaction is the only reaction we know”
I like 4 particularly RTC!
I’d like a mug (even though I’m a civvy in the private sector) but I DEMAND a left handed version. Or I’ll sue for discrimination! It should also have a smaller than usual handle (‘cos I only have little hands) and a stain resistant interior (‘cos the coffee in our machines can strip the varnish from the desks).
Not too much to ask, is it? Failing that, I’d settle for a sticker … I’ll have the “pay your wages” version, we get that a lot as well. At least in our case it’s true. If the customer sods off elsewhere with their readies, we’re all out of a job!
Suberb idea with the mugs and stickers !
What about ” When there is seconds between life and death be assured the police are only minutes away…”
And don’t forget the riposte to “I pay your wages” is “No. I pay your benefits”!
LOL!
That link left by thespecialone seems full of sad thuths to me. Along with millions of others I am sick of the pandering to minorities at the expense of other equally deserving people.
Without giving too much away, I recently seized a couple of items from a burglary scene that needed freezing. I had to move two rather large trout from the evidence freezer to get them in. (The trout were not exhibits.)
Strapline – ………. Constabulary – policing the town centre on a Saturday night with one (probationary) officer, two if they’re lucky.
…………. Constabulary, responding with categories Routine, Prompt, Immediate and Ethnic Minority.
Ruralshire Constabulary:
You hate us because you need us.
How about “Ruralshire Constabulary – Yes, we are all mugs”
OK, maybe not, count me in for some though!!
Haha ! Love em. I’ll have a mug please .
IG you need a shaved sheep for summer and a woolly one for winter. And sell little bags of wool
Can’t wait for the T-shirts with the caption looking like a name badge!
I like my little monster, I shall call him little monster- ouch!
One of the sheep needs to be black or the quota of white to black sheep mugs will not be met. This may result in the standards of future mugs being lowered to allow for more diverse sheep. Maybe some goats could also feature and if you could show a smiling black sheep standing with their leg around a local shopkeeper (the statutory requirement for all NPT literature) that would be just perfect.
A shawn sheep is a must as there are so few with any wool on their backs anymore nobody has a clue where the farm is.
Let’s not be ageist; mutton dressed as lamb should tick a few more boxes
What about a PSD angle to it………….’ We know you have a tough job but we have targets too!’
Magnificent.
Great to know the force/service/job still has spirit and sense of humour.
Well done to all, and looking forward to being able to obtain some of these stickers/pens/mugs/etc.
Retired >>>
in a Scottish Ruralshire
Boss,
Do a deal with moonpig.com then they could be used for leaving cards and customised with a moto to suit.
Your on to a real money spinner here.
How about a picture of a police dog chasing its tail, and the caption, “Chasing targets since 1997.”
Or a couple of neighbourhood PC’s studying plans of a cartwheel, and the caption, “Re-inventing the wheel…” re-printed in a continuous horizontal line around the mug until it meets the start again?
Excuse Me Inspector
I ordered a T shirt nearly a year ago and have not received it
I emailed the email many times and no reply as yet the payment was taken from my paypal when i ordered it any chance i could get my shirt please
Should have known better PC non PC, Inspectors rarely deliver…
PC non PC – of course you can, I’ll get the on-line shop to email you asap for details.
Stickers are a great idea but I can see a problem. Should they be the type to go in car window or sticky on the back to fix anywhere else? I guess a police committee would want glue on both sides so as not to discriminate!
So many good ideas for stickers – so many unspoken truths.
Andy W said,
- I’ll lay money that at least one ‘bright young thing’ with an eye on the HDPS (or whatever it’s called this week) grabbed the comode, after the meeting, with a view to searching through it for pearls of wisdom to call his or her own at the next PDR !
The same sh*t was coming out of both ends. Not all of it landed in the commode
Times On Line assisting where others fail. QVC of the newspaper world
http://timesonline.typepad.com/crime/
Ruralshire Constabulary:
“If we crimed everything we’d drown in shite.”
what about badges? they could be like a gold blue peter badge only awarded for outstanding tolerance of birtspeak
Great article.thax
Ruralshire Constabulary – We’ll drop everything for you, as of course you’ve a personal friend who’s a Chief Inspector.
nice post man !
if you want to something different, please visit to may site !
thanks.