Last week, on one of my rare visits to the top floor, I met new Neighbourhood Chief Inspector Janet Winchester. Or should I say, she met me*
She knew who I was because:
1. New senior staff are warned that I am a difficult sod who cares more about policing than paperwork, which is quite scary in the modern police.
2. I went down in a ball of flames in the local paper recently, which everyone has been talking about.
She spoke softly to me for about 15 minutes and I really didn’t hear anything she said after the first sentence. I nearly walked under a bus on the way to the bakery at lunch time and spent the rest of the shift feeling slightly hot around the face and ears.
Janet. A Sheep. Similar attitudes, similar hairstyles.
What did she say to me to have such an effect?
“Inspector Gadget, the Divisional Commander has asked me to start an F Division Blog, and he told me that you might be the person to help”
The following thoughts rushed through my head as I tried to sleep that night:
“Does the Commander know?”
“Is this a trick?”
“Are they out to get me?”
“Do I care?” (polite version)
“What do those new custard doughnuts in the bakery taste like?”
I always operate in the safe knowledge that the ‘powers that be’ cannot really ever damage me because:
1. I am not afraid of being a Response Inspector, so they can’t threaten to “send me back to Patrol”.
2. I am not currently looking for promotion, so they can’t ruin my future prospects.
3. I’m not corrupt, I do my job and besides; I know where the “bodies are buried”.
A particularly cruel and cleaver trick would be to make me the publisher of one of those hideous, sycophantic, pink & fluffy official police blogs. You couldn’t make it up, and I would have to. I now have to wait and see what happens.
* Beatles reference.
Gadget Note: all the photos are of genuine Ruralshire sheep taken by me. It took me hours to comb this one to make it look half decent for you lot!
Poor you Gadget, a new contender for the Jim Webster crown. Still, it might be interesting to see if we could guess which official blog was you.
i see you have managed to encompass ethinc diversity into your picture
I.G you will only have something too worry about if she does a Sharon Stone on you. Then you may be looking up a dark alley.
I wish I had the giblets to publish my ’specials’ blog to the wider world, but I fear the MPS.
Beatles reference: Rubber Soul
Memories of adolescent gropings as that track played on a Dansette record player.
Remembrances of an atmosphere thick with the cloying odour of joss sticks.
Thank you for making an old man happy.
At least you appear to have the kind of criminals that don’t require a crib card to breathe. Took a crime a few months back for theft/criminal damage. Of flashing. Not lead, but that sort of plastic big gaffer tape stuff.
They stole plastic tape, thinking it was lead. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid…
Just to ask, whilst I am here, has anyone heard that Kent have simply stopped bothering with detections? Just stopped! They apparently don’t supply any statistics relating to detected crime?
Or has my “line manager” been misinformed?
Kent are worse than ever with Detections!
The Target is near 30% for all BCU’s and each officer has an individual target with an Action Plan if they fail to meet it.
We also have a crap Chief who has done nothing in 5 years excerpt appear in the papers and kiss babies.
Oh, and we are also skint because we spent too much on PCSO’s.
Sorry!
You don’t think she’s making a pass at you, do you? Watch her Debbie!
Beware of the wolf in sheep’s clothing
Everyone knows that ‘official’ police blogs are nothing but a sugar coated turd – lots of nice sweet colourful fluffy sugar, but still a pile of shit underneath. They have as much credibility as ‘The Sharp End’ and just as much truth.
Have you got the sheep’s ‘phone number?
I like custard doughnuts, but being a new age caring Policeperson I therefore I buy apple doughnuts for the health concious.
Do apple doughnuts count as one of your five a day?
Try an apple and custard donut at the same time. A bite of each. Apple donut & custard. . . what could go wrong? Actually, I see a business opportunity forming here. . .
You could call the new blog “F Troop” – should give you plenty scope for satire.
p.s. Do you have to go on a course for ‘doing’ blogs?
Don’t show your cards first would be best IG (any poker player will know what i mean here!)…
Send her Dave Copperfield’s email address. Say you believe he once ran a police blog.
Say you’ll do it, boss, but only on the condition that you have complete editorial freedom as to tone and content, then watch them nod/smile/back away slowly…
The good Captain is right, and you could add that you want to model the blog on one of those closely followed police blogs. Suggest as a example say, NightJack’s, or Inspector Gadget’s…
Custard donut’s are the best, you should try them.
“Do I care?” (polite version)
I’ve told you already…….get your DILLIGAF badge and wear it proudly.
“I know where the “bodies are buried”.
IG,
Ah: always the finest protection.
That used to be called: “a bit of black”* but I expect that is illegal to say nowadays:)
brendan
*Blackmail
Just say No, it ain’t your job they want it, they can do it. Easy. Forces spend £40 million a year telling lies to the public to protect their image, get one of the PR people to do it.
Do you think she reached her rank with her ability?
Think smoke and mirrors, tell them nothing, just your name,rank etc.
“I once had a girl, or should I say”
Oh, by the way is that a Herdwick ewe?
#14 Noddy
“You could call the new blog “F Troop” – should give you plenty scope for satire.”
Then, when you’re ready to begin………….
it’d be “F off”.
I was going to add my pennyworth, but CaptainBeaky and Jeff Wood have beaten me to it.
Errrm strangely enough I am an authorised intranet content editor where I work…….hmmmm, just got to keep my hands in my pockets whenever a really good idea comes along
an F div blog ? what would the posts be about ?
1. Those pesky sanctioned detections ; how do we improve them ?
2. Fear of crime ; It’s all in the mind
3. Stop drivin cop cars ;Think about your carbon footprint.
Sweet baby Jesus ,how would they cope with the replies ?
Sad to hear about Kent, to think that there may have been light at the end of the tunnel… ;(
They clearly want to take advantage of your skill base.
Perhaps (they hope) you will use all your mojo on blogs about the need to keep the cars clean etc..
Leaving no room for your secret blog.
Or, they might craftily suggest
“Have you got a lap top? Why not do the blog at home, for time off”
I am a “police manager” crushed between SMT and a team of about 3or4 capable hardworkers, the rest descending from mediocre to totally unfit for purpose.Most can tell me how many homosexuals it takes to change a light bulb, but shy away from solving crime and protecting the public.SMT in a tizzy re youth disorder and vulnerability “around” the weekends.A series of meetings with office dwellers and the all important partners, end result “default” patrols in the hotspots.All boxes ticked.The weekend?Cluster!I joined this job to help decent people. All I do is cover my A***.I am now embarrassed to be a police officer.On of the Sgts is now part time annualised hours. Earns a monkey more than me every month.Three days off now,back Fri, I despair, Thurs night I`ll be anxious and dreading going in. How has this happened? I know its not just me though.
If you want to avoid it I’d go with what CaptainBeaky said @ 17. Ask for complete editorial freedom and then see if they’re so keen for you to do it…
Independent Advisory Group
A steering group has been formed in order to establish an independent police advisory group.
Countywide consultation
If you would like to help improve the policing of your community, give feedback or raise concerns, this is your opportunity to help shape your police force.
Kent Police runs four consultation groups. For more information about each group, following the links:
Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) consultation group
The next meeting will be held from 6pm on Monday 16 June at Canterbury Christchurch University in Canterbury. A light buffet will be available.
Minority ethnic consultation group
This group will meet again from 12.30pm on Monday 7 July at the Conference Centre, Oakwood Park, Maidstone. A buffet lunch will be provided.
Disability Community Involvement Forum
This group first met on 5 March. The next meeting will be held from 1.30pm on Tuesday 17 June at the Kent Invicta Chamber of Commerce, Sevington, Ashford. A light buffet will be available.
E-Transgender Forum
This is an online consultation forum.
Local consultation
To find out more about consultation forums in your area, contact your Community Liaison Officer for details
Superintendent Chas Bailey – Deputy Borough Commander
Chas joined the MPS in 1982 and since then has served at Battersea, Kingston, Epsom and Sutton (when it was one Division), 5 Area HQ, Lambeth and Corporate Planning. He has been involved in a wide range of work including operations and sporting events; finance, planning and project management; consultation; and the National Intelligence Model.
Unusually he has led a team of MPS officers working in Bulgaria to help their Police develop a community policing style with the Roma population. This involved developing a customised form of Community and Race Relations training as well as introducing partnership working to some of the most neglected areas of Bulgaria.
He is married with two young daughters and lives locally in Cheam
ha ha ha ha ha
Come on, nothings that funny
… with the exception of me falling asleep on the crapper this morning
being a wleshman i appreciate you make the sheep look nice, thank you boss.
I just wish he could make the T shirts materialize.
Any news guv?
What do you reckon to this, Gadget?
http://www.eveningtimes.co.uk/news/display.var.2362728.0.0.php
Does Steve House have the right idea?
Troll @ (now deleted by administrator)
Clearly now a “destroyed” entity, and from the last post sitting at a computer, surrounded by empty sherry bottles.
IG, Sorry about my internet stalker, you will be able to tell its me.
I don’t like contemporary westerns and have never been confused.
Troll alert!!!!
Dangerous @25 it does look like one doesn’t it, though the fleece is maybe a wee bit light like.
Hi there – came across this, and thought of you – thought you might find it amusing. For anyone who remembers the old Ladybird kids books.
I would have e-mailed you the link, but I couldn’t find any e-mail addy:
http://seorant.ath.cx/police/ladybird.html
how dare you suggest that this sort of thing may find humerous recepticles here
we have had it sucked out of us
have you got any more ?