If You Grin (You’re In)
November 29, 2007 by inspectorgadget
Thank goodness I can now ’stand down’ and get on with my life.
I had been given the important task of setting up ‘Silver Control’ on F Division, in readiness for the lashing of hapless teacher Gillian Gibbons, 54 from Liverpool.
The strangely named ‘Community Impact Assessment’ had suggested that there might be a ‘backlash’ against the Muslim community. The use of the term ‘backlash’, was, I feel, particularly unhelpful in the circumstances.
The assessment was written by the Chief Inspector In Charge Of Gathering Evidence For Promotion. She had forgotten one crucial thing in her haste. Ruralshire does not have a Muslim community.
I know, because I tried to find one to involve in (gulp….) Christmas, and I had to ask a Sikh gentleman instead.
In any event, it seems that Sudan is just like Britain after all. Gibbons has walked away with a few days in the company of Mr and Mrs Cockroach at the local jail.
Personally, I think she should have been lashed. Not for using an inappropriate name, but for having the children play with soft toys at all in school time. They should all be sitting in rows learning the three ‘R’s.
If the Ruralshire underclass had even known about this story (very unlikely) and then decided to take to the streets with pitchfork and flaming branch (hugely unlikely) and then managed to find a Muslim community to ‘backlash’ against (totally unlikely) I would have had the grand total of three officers to respond.
My tactics were to be as follows. ‘If it hits the fan lads; just smile and wave’.
Who is eligible for this mission I was asked? Anyone I said. If you can grin, you’re in!
Reporting for their share of the overtime budget were Bill (a very old and by his own admission ‘knackered’ Community Officer) Neil (a very young and by his own admission ’saving for a new motor’ Response Officer) Mac (God’s gift to the female population) and his rather forlorn looking police dog, Colin.
Photo of Colin taken by me in the summer. He doesn’t understand PACE.
We had the crappy old van with the old style orange stripes on the side and the blue revolving light on the roof. And police issue sandwiches. Lots of police issue sandwiches. And those police issue biscuits in impossible wrappers that you end up tearing off with your teeth. And Maxpax Tea.
If the locals had rioted, I’d have joined them.
PS Photo of Colin provided for reader ‘Strobelwort’ - the customer is always right!
Maxipax tea? I’d understand showing some restraint if they’d at least issued you with the hot chocolate, but with tea and 2.5% it’s surprising you didn’t show the locals how to riot properly.
What no HotCans (TM). Single best piece of cop provisioning ever. Self heating, big enough portions and actually tasted great.
http://www.hotcan.com
They should all have been “sitting” in rows. See me after the briefing, Gadget.
Please can we have a picture of Steve and Colin?
(as long as that doesn’t destroy your anonymity, of course)
Steve and Colin? Alpha males, the pair of them; they probably look the same, only different.
Hotcans? Where have these been all my life? We’re lucky to get a mouldy sandwich (made in Holloway prison I might add!) and a bottle of springbourne!! Hotcans…whatever next
Colin? Colin?? What sort of a name is that for any self-respecting, fear-inducing, roughty toughty police dog? He sounds more like a librarian.
Herewith a campaign for the suitable naming of police dogs. Jaws, Fang, Destroyer…..
My brother had a dog called Satan… (that doesn’t offend any Satanic cult members does it?)
Anyway, another top post Gadget. I do love a good laugh
1977 - Strike duty at Tilbury Power Station - MaxPax - oh the memory - the nostalgia - did you know that it’s not by accident that MaxPax and ExLax sound (and taste) the same? I don’t think we had Muslims then. Or targets. We had a thing called the looney left. Ah, but life was so simple then…
Keep it going Gadget. By the way, are any of the sheep in Ruralshire called Mohammad?
Here was me thinking I was all modern man too and that maxpax was a feminine product for those needing that little bit extra protection…..!!! :O
Mind you could be same thing, as its full of bromide aint it ?? Sure thats what gives it that special taste…….
By the way heres a laugh, do you know which varieties of Pot Noodle are Vegan compliant (they are all vegetarian by the way!!). Well believe it or not the Vegan ones are - Southern Fried Chicken and wait for it Bombay Bad Boy…..!! lol you couldnt make it up. How do I know? Cause I had to find out for some fecking vegan prisoner questionaire asking what we provided for our poor vegan prisoners.
Neil sounds like an Overtime Bandit.
Good luck to him, they’re the ones with a nice flat and a nice car, with all the latest electrical goods.
Oh, and a string of failed relationships…
Dunno ’bout Police-issue biscuits, but……When I was in the army in the 50s, I was made Unit Rations NCO. (Impressed so far?) When I studied the foodstuffs that were available to us, I saw biscuits. Never had them and really fancied some good ol’ english biccies. So I ordered a load. Yea. You’re ahead of me, I know. They turned out to be absolutely rock-hard cream-cracker type, dentists’ best friends. Eventually had to throw them all away. (No. Not the bloody dentists!).
Are people taking the pee out Of Islam here? Or Sudan? Or what? One wonders what Nick Griffin makes of this? Perhaps he’s enjoying it.
As for the C/I in charge of their own promotion, that’s nothing new is it? But are we prepared to tell the C/I? Alot of people use the race and diversity card to say they know it all when they are seeking promotion. Then afterwards they forget. Alas….It’s a mediocre thingy.…if there is no Muslim community in Ruralshire why is there a Mosque? Perhaps there is only one Muslim in Ruralshire….
No Muslims in Ruralshire? Gadget - you are part of a deprived minority and should be in line for special priveleges. I mean, how far do you have to go to get a carry out curry on Friday night?
i’m a76 yrs.old retired ps. [ b'ham city police] and later the west midlands police[ God forgive me for my sins] I am at present trying to recover from a sever e stroke. apart from three ex colleagues, one who happens to be a neighbour, one an IRISH MAN [God bless] he was ch.supt complaints dept and who through our close ties of Nationality saved my bacon from the disciplinary board!. The third member was my old D.S from my crime squad days, Not one visit from WELFARE Office. My highlight of the day is Insp blog piece. It reminds me of some of the crap that went on “”in my day”
Myson is a serving p.s., my nephew is a servning p.s. inthe Garda[ rep. of irl. police and who by the sounds of things suffers from the sameP.C. crap that the 43 Englis h forces. We are supposed to be H.M. Cconstabulary. Then for Go’s sake Qeen help us to do the job we are paid to DO. “protection of life an property, maintaince of law and order and the prosecution of offends against the Queens peace”or has P.C. over ruled those objectives
Lol - Jock the Cop with the maxpax comment!
As for the Vegan pot noodles - my brother was a Vegan when he was in prison (should I be admitting this?) It was back in the 80’s - he was a bit of a hippy and was arrested for… I don’t know, living in a wigwam I think - you wouldn’t get away with arresting someone for that these days would you?
Anyway, he said he went on a hunger strike, but it could just be that they didn’t have anything Vegan to feed him with!
I maybe should add that my hippy brother isn’t the same one who had a dog named Satan. Talk about diversity - I get enough of that in the same family!
Mr Bradin
I wish you all the best with your recovery, but don’t hold your breath for a visit from welfare. They only deal with people with stress and victims of bullying in the workplace (you know, those who don’t like it when a supervisor tells them what to do). Lots of “there there cream” is handed out and no real improvement is ever made.
Political correctness is endemic - the latest thing is that everyone’s annual appraisal has to have an objective linked to “diversity”. Does this mean that officers on response can refuse to go to certain victims because they are not from a diverse community?
Inspector G - could you also do a little admin job on your sidebar? I’ve moved my blog from Blogger to WordPress. My new site is at http://stanstill.wordpress.com. If any other bloggers who pass by could also update their sites, I would be grateful.
Stan Still - Done with the sidebar. Sorry to see that you assume VG Bradin is a male. More diversity training for you! (only joking)
VG BRADIN - get well soon, I am grateful for your comment!
Mr G
There are very few, if any, ex-policewomen (can I use that term any more? Doris has been outlawed and the other descriptions would not go down well on a public forum) who are 76 years old. I therefore made the assumption that VG Bradin was (is) male.
I don’t think there is enough diversity training - in fact, it would be safer for everyone if we had some refresher training every day.
Thanks for the photo of Colin: what a sweetie. Does he strike fear into the chavvy scrotes, or is he more of a reassurance dog? (Does he, for instance, have his own hi-vis dog-coat?)
And will he be sharing his Christmas dinner with a cat, in the interests of diversity?
Colin looks so great. If I had the energy I would offer to adopt him when he retires.
I took the picture of Colin with a zoom from about 10 meters away. I think that says all you need to know about him and his fondness for biting the arse out of trousers, uniform or otherwise! He was training at the time. He spend most of the rest of his time asleep, him being a Ruralshire Constabulary dog, and not really allowed out in case he eats local sheep. The local Chavs remain unconvinced by Colin, knowing as they do that we can’t allow him to bite them or the Chief will pick up a £1m law suit and the handler an assault charge. I joke not. He is mainly used to look for missing persons or chase people who decamp from stolen motors. I may post about him.
Maybe Colin has his own blog, and HE posts about YOU.
Maybe the cat, is Collins Christmas dinner; he is probably fed on vegan, fair trade, non GM, organic dog food (or pot noodles that are past their ’sell by date’
Colin & lawsuits………….don’t get me started on that.
They would rather pay out money ‘without prejudice’ because itis cheaper in the long run. If any of these went to court they would not get a penny and then these rediculous claims by those who try it on would stop. They are a claim to victim status and a cheap shot at a compo payout.
They can get legal aid to fight the claims but they don’t realise that the Colins of the world don’t take for all the lies and other crap they spout. You can’t reason with something that don’t understand you.
Fight or flight gets a bite………………….Simple as that.
Not a bad mission statement.
As for Satan, every section has or has had one, usually they are black in colour and nature.
( the dogs that is).
Holes just don’t belong in trousers. Most dog handlers got them in just about every bit of uniform they possess.
[...] If You Grin (You’re In) Thank goodness I can now ’stand down’ and get on with my life. I had been given the important task of […] [...]
Whichendbites says: “As for Satan, every section has or has had one”
And there was my brother thinking he was being “cool” and “original”. How am I ever going to break it to him?
Dishdash, indeed we all like a good curry.
Surely that should be ‘PD Colin’?
I have shown his photo to La Fluffita. She loves a German Shepherd in uniform.
what about the 2.5% increase?????
Jeagerdude…..
Had it…spent it.
Never mind the 2.5%… that battle was lost a long time ago…. spare a thought for the poor chaps and chapesses in West Yorkshire… they wanted to impose a new funky shift pattern which the Federation agreed to but members asked for a ballot. Said ballot has now been held, and the members rejected the new shifts, so the Chief is talking about imposing the really, really old fashioned, Police Regulation compliant 8 hour early, lates and nites shift pattern. I wonder how that little saga is gonna play out?
Colin doesn’t look at all forlorn to me.
Colin looks very fit and ready to go.
Peter
Yes, but the photo was back in the summer - he is not impressed with the current rain and wind.
846,326 and rising
Peter
Not Long Now. . is that the two earlies,two lates, two nights pattern? I think a surprising number of forces/divisions are moving back to that, as officer quality of life once again (inevitably) is put at the bottom of the list after finding a way to make numbers with fewer and fewer resources on tap. My force isn’t, but I know most of not all of A&S rural sections are using it.
Me? I’m just about to start the fourth of seven night shifts on the trot. By 1AM there’ll be me and one other covering about 450 square miles. Luckily it’s rural so likely to be fairly Q, but it only takes two calls both needing attention for the wheel to come off.
Hey ho!
The West Yorkshire vote was to agree with what the Chief wanted, (or not), an Ottowa type pattern we worked years ago, but by a majority of 3, yes three votes, it was rejected. The threat was 8 hour shifts, 7 on and 2 off that we worked many many years ago. Sort of tells you what the rank and file think of him doesn’t it when the vote was for 8 hours. By the way the Police Staff are still arguing and have got ACAS involved as the Chief wants to do the same to them. Just goes to show how toothless the Fed is as they agreed and the vote is over and done with but the unions are still talking.
If West Yorks are after a return to the old 4 week pattern of 6am to 2pm, 2pm to 10pm and 10pm to 6am, relax as it has already been deemed non ECHR compatable.
LOL just noticed the person who commented at 11.15 am on the 2nd Dec called him/herself Gimboid!! Classic!
Sorry for the random comments Gadget - a tad bored after a sleepless night.
The new WYP pattern is 7on 2off 7on 2off 7on 3off with a floating days leave per 28days. Last shift is always a late finish which means that the first rest day is spent in bed. 1 weekend in 4 off. At present sick leave is at a record low and performance has improved year on year. To go from the agreement in place now (6on 4off) to Police Regs is terrible. 31 rest days a year lost. Sick leave will rocket. When are people expected to see their families?
All this coincides with the Chiefs plans to move every available (and unavailable) resource into Neighbourhood Policing Teams. The NPT proposal also means more foot patrol. So fewer units in vehicles. Therefore, slower response times.
To sum up, tired and demotivated officers having to run to jobs. Oh and everyone is going to be single crewed, including PCSO’s, in all areas, including inner city Bradford, Leeds and Halifax. Anyone envious?