An enormous pile of Ruralshire tax-payers money has just been converted to Japanese yen in the form of the new 4 x 4 police vehicles. I suspected that these gleaming status symbols were more suited to transporting Tarquin and Cressida to prep school than chasing Isac and Noah across the orchards in a stolen motor.
Sunday night produced my first opportunity to legitimately* deploy the F Division ozone burner. A stolen Transit had ‘made off’ through some woods from one of our night duty patrols after a failed ATM ram-raid.
“Deploy the 4 X 4″ I tell Sergeant Dan gleefully.
“Ah yes…. the 4 X 4….. about that….”
This is the way Sergeant Dan says “No” to me.
“Truth is, we can’t use it in these circumstances Guv”.
I then discover that although we have four Constables trained as “4 X 4 drivers”, they can’t drive it off-road. They must have the “off-road” drivers course. I now hear that although we have two of those on the team, the vehicle has ‘road’ tyres and therefore can’t be driven by an ‘off road’ driver.
“So……. we can’t use it to chase the stolen transit off-road?” I ask. “That’s correct Guv” says Sergeant Dan. “What can we use it for?” I ask, as the stolen Transit disappears into the distance unchallenged. “Driving on the roads Guv” he replies.
We look directly at each other in silence for a few seconds and then collapse into hopeless laughter.
It’s probably similar laughter to that going on in the stolen Transit.
On Monday morning, I raise the issue with Fleet Management at Headquarters. They thank me for my call and tell me that my views are important to them. Can I please fill out a ‘vehicle fault form’ and send it in? But it’s NOT a fault with the vehicle, it’s about how they are deployed. Please ring Central Operations they smile.
Central Operations thank me for the call. My views are also important to them, but it’s a training issue. Please telephone the new ‘Skills and Training for Life’ department. STL say it’s a Fleet Management issue, but thank me so much for my call. My views, they inform me, are very important to them.
I loose the will to live on this one. Which I guess is the whole idea. Sergeant Dan casts a disappointed eye over me as he munches on a stale custard doughnut. “Guv, when are you going to stop applying logic to policing issues? you really will enjoy this job so much more when you do”.
*These vehicles may have been ‘tested’ already, somewhere out of the way and muddy!
Best Community Beat vehicle I ever had was a beat up near end of service Land Rover Defender. Dark blue. Liveried. NeeeNaw siren and a big blue dome revolving light in the middle of the roof. No panel undinked.
What’s not to like?
4×4 with proper off road tyres
Loads of room for kit in the cabin
My very own prisoner cage in the back
Bosun lights on the roof to hunt for mispers on the moors
On the road when all the standard vehicles are iced / snowed in
All the kids at the local schools loved it.
The local social worker didn’t like it though. “Hmm officer…don’t you think its a little miltiaristic?” “Not yet but wait till I get the bomb skirts fitted and we’ll see”
Social worker did not see the funny side.
I still miss that Lanny. It even looked after me when I played chicken with a stolen cement mixer lorry, but that’s another story.
Hahahaha. My force do that as well. I have a lovely shiny 4wd that I can’t use further off road than a farm track. Why ? Maybe I should bung one of our Mountain Bikes in the back for off road pursuits. Ooops. Shouldn’t have mentioned the ‘P’ word there.
You are not thinking strategic. Don’t confuse things with practicality of use.
Keep it simple. Just think of the piccies in the glossy mag.
Youve gotta wonder sometimes if they actually want us to catch criminals, or just tick diversity and health and safety boxes all day.
what is it with social workers?
LOL, Inspector G, you really are a Landi man at heart, maybe for the sake of your health you had best slip into low ratio and stick the diff lock on.
As some one who lives on a slippery slope, I spend my time towing white van man out of sticky situations, but not till I have got the box of red wine he was delivering
enjoy.
One of the things I find amusing (in a distressed hopeless kind of way) is how some people view certain things in this job as being ‘too militaristic’ as Nighjack said with the Landie.
In my old force one of the superintendants tried to block a trial to see if officers using chest rigs would suffer less back pain. His view was that wearing everything on the chest and being able to move and work without pain was too oppressive and he didn’t want it in his city, which also happened to have an extremely high contingent of military personnel who wouldn’t think anything of it, and unemployed shitbags who could have done with a proper beasting anyway. The fact that the military learned a hundred years ago that a man (yes, I did say man) could carry more kit for longer if it was moved from waist belts to chest webbing is completely lost on them.
Yes Landies do look militaristc – thats because the military found that they are a bloody great piece of kit that will go anywhere, carry people and equipment where you want it and won’t need the RAC on standby every 5k miles unlike an astra, which is why it was adopted as the main workhorse.
But hey, common sense and practicality isn’t exactly in the Police vocabulary anymore, especially when the people who are charged with buying our equipment and vehicles aren’t the ones who use it.
I am surprised Mr G that you actually followed the party line and didn’t allow the Toyota LandbutonlytarmaccedroadCruiser or whatever it was to “follow” it anyway. Are you going soft? Heheheheheh
Hey – you are lucky the powerrs that be have grounded all my pedal cycles because H & S have realised that the cops havent done the course!! Yep even those who have been riding bikes since they were 4 and have been riding the said bikes for years have been grounded-whens the course? wheres the course—oh thats too difficult to sort out watch this space they’ll be grounded for weeks and months……………they will need to re-invent the wheel–submit a training request wait for it to get lost in the HR too difficult drawer…………after a few months when chasing the course they will be asked to re sumbit a training request as the first one was lost ………..and the cycle(no pun intended) continues….Oh all I want is my cops to ride a chuffing push bike….HELP!!!
Clouseau,
Sod em, fit some of the little ’stabiliser wheel things’ and get ‘em back out on the road, no time to waste.
It’s laugh or cry time again, isn’t it.
Problem is all those soft Officers who are looking to make a claim for anything. Thats why the H and S Dept are so busy. If like the old days you simply fell off a cycle because it was an accident, then all would be fine. it would make a great story and you would look a berk… end of. However today there are too many namby pamby Officers wanting to claim for everything. And what does this do in turn?? Upset the real Officers who want to do their job. End of rant, Sorry
Now, hold on a mo….I live in London with a beautiful, gleaming 8 year old (not called Cressida) and a gorgeous lovely 4×4.
I can change my grip on the road ( and sometimes on reality) from ‘dry paved’ to ‘wet and slippery’ at the flick of a lever, so why can’t Sergeant Dan?
Just for interests sake, I have also blocked a lane of traffic with said vehicle while I first aided a crash (didn’t fancy the rubber neckers getting me too as I was on the ground) and accidently (on purpose) rammed 3 men with baseball bats who were dragging a man out of his car window.
Sometimes a tank comes in handy, trust me.
Have the same driving permit on the same vehicle with the same consequences. Although, actually you said pursuit, so I can’t do that anyway. But the off road bit is exactly as you state. What a waste of time! Hey ho.
Stocking – I know who you are!! for anyone who is interested, Stocking is my sister – honest!
I thought – yon transit has to hit a road at some time, but hang on, a ‘normal’ car can do that bit……
Then I thought – what bloomin’ use are those 4X4’s anyway’s
Then I got the point. I’ll keep my eyes open in the January sales
“One careful owner”
Now now Boss, you know that logic and common sense have no place in the modern police service.
Take our force for example, Our Mercedes Sprinters (piles of junk) are apparently overladen on the front axle and a new Sprinter with a new layout is required to remedy this. Mercedes (god bless em) supply us with their latest incarnation of the Sprinter LWB Carrier to trial, complete with all the trial vehicles extras (you know fancy roofbar lights, a CD player, individual reading lights in the back etc etc) and the guys look forward to testing it out.
“NO!” shouts the retired ex traffic bod who now runs the driving school (therefore holding power of the driving ambitions of every officer in the force) “it’s automatic, you can’t drive that”. We reply “But we all have automatic on our licences though”. the official (his) line is “You haven’t done an automatic course, therefore you can’t drive it”
Back goes the new Sprinter. I can only imagine that, if a bit of common sense would prevail this (not exactly) huge stumbling block could have been circumvented, allowing us to trial said van.
The sad thing is the fleet manager will probably buy a load of them in auto (as they probably don’t speak to the driving school on such matters)so they can sit in the yard looking nice until
A:- we all get Automatic conversions (which will take an age to sort out)
B:- Common sense breaks out.
I think I know which one it’ll be.
Seagull – you work for Ruralshire Constabulary (or somewhere very similar)
Ruralshire appears to have a plethora of trained drivers. Up here in Toytown guess who was the only ERT response jockey the other nightshift for the whole city centre area? Oh and I’m the only one able to drive vans too! It’s an age thing apparently!
Seagull – That sprinter was nice… I drove it when it visited us (although only to get fuel in it!).
As for the ‘off road’ situations, I just go off road in whatever I’m in and worry about it after… I’ve been pulled out of fields in Astras, Transit Carriers, vans etc etc. The carriers are handy with all the shields as I made a path to drive along in one particularly muddy patch. We have the same problem with the ‘proper’ 4×4s. I have ‘Area Landrover’ on my driving ticket and used to be able to go ‘on road’ in it. ‘Off road’ required a 2 day course. Now even ‘on road’ requires a course so they are off limits to nearly everyone.
We were recently banned from going on the motorway, or even dual carriageways, until we had been on the appropriate training course.
Traffic locked someone up on the motorway, and requested a van for transport to the nick. The volunteer was forbidden to drive on to the motorway, so he had to wait at the next slip road, and the d/p was driven down to the van in the back of the (single-crewed) traffic car where he was then safely transferred. This was, incidently, not long after that bobby up north was killed after his passenger grabbed the wheel.
I’ve been in a lot of years, but the true idiocy of this bureaucratic bollocks took even me by surprise. It’s nice I can still be surprised in this job.
I have now had the training. Essentially, I learnt that cars travel faster on the motorway and dual carriageways, and it would probably be better if I didn’t get knocked down.
Our force got a “good” in training and development……….
I love my 4×4 job car. Everyone else hates it so its all mine. There’s a few local farmers who have found a 4 pack on their doorsteps in the morning for dragging me out of a very sticky situation with a tractor ( My old Lannie would NOT have got stuck). Love it, it goes off road, thru crap, through ploughed fields……….then ‘oh poo, need a farmer’ AND I hardly wash it! Duff, if you readin’ this ……..remember the snow, and the ditch!!!! Doh
Insp G,
Have you not thought of approaching some formula one teams for sponsorship for the 4 x 4, not only would you then have some nice logos on the side but you could persuade them to lend you a pit crew for training purposes.
Then when matey boy in the transit decides that off road is the new on road, stop the 4×4, out jump the pit crew, whirring things and jacks on super speed. 12 seconds later you have new off road tires, your tank is topped up and they have wiped your windshield is clean.
The pursuit can then continue as normal.
Just realised that although I was harping on about getting my cops cycle trained -I now will have to get them a special course as they are MOUNTAIN BIKES and the course to ride off road will be different to the on road bikes-I wonder if they will be allowed to pursue on the bikes or will that be an extra day added on -’How to pedal faster’ blimey and if they wanted to use it witha camera god only knows-The world is going crazy ……….AHHHHHHHHHH!
Clouseau.
The answer is unicycles; half the course.
Off topic but in today’s daily Telegraph.
PC disgrace to prosecute Pc, says judge,
The attempted prosecution of a police officer for alleged assault after he arrested a knife-wielding man was a ‘politically correct disgrace’, a judge told a court yesterday.
Pc Lee Armstong,28, was due to stand trial at Bradford Crown court over a confrontation with a knifeman, who was alleged to have threatened a woman in Keighley, West Yorks.
However, the case was withdrawn after it was decide there was no longer any realistic prospect of a conviction. Judge Jonathan Durham Hall, QC, said ‘There was never any prospect at all of this gallant young officer being convicted’.
The conviction of yet another man doing his duty, for reasons that are best described as politically correct, is a disgrace. The Crown will pay every penny of his costs’.
He told the constable: ‘ I cannot imagine what you have felt being pursued and harassed in this prosecution over the last few months and I am sorry. Thank you. Leave without a stain on your character’.
IG – It’s not just your Force!! Also, are you sure your sister isn’t someone from MI5 on the QT?
THE SEAGULL – That happened to us, we had all been driving Sprinter vans for ages then just because they put a different gearbox in it, driver training ran round like headless chickens saying we needed to do a ‘conversion course’. It was pointed out though by many Officers that when they changed from manual S70’s to V70’s we never had a ‘course’ then. That was ignored as you can imagine.
pcR – You must be in my Force, we had a urgent shout to back up Officers who were scrapping with a scumbag on the hard shoulder and then told that the van that was coming couldn’t, as it was being driven by a Special!!!
EHU
One of our guys, who cycles to and from work everyday without causing carnage, decided to pop a letter through a door on his way home. Nothing too controversial in that you might think. Unfortunately, this “incident” was mentioned in passing to someone further up the food chain who went into a paroxysm of “arse covering, H & S paranoia” upon discovering that this officer had not had the officially approved cycling profficiency course and this act of hubris could not be left unchallenged. An official “how to ride a bike course” was subesequently arranged during which time anything that even slightly resembled “police purposes” whilst on or near a bike whther in motion or not was prohIbited. A few of us signed up to this wheeze as it meant a day out cycling in the fresh air (well as fresh as a major city can get) in the sunshine. However, the irony seemed lost on everyone that we all cycled IN to work (police purpose anyone?) where the course was being held in order to be trained in how to cycle AT work. Needless to say that immediately the course finished I was able to cycle home without risk to life and limb and safe in the knowledge that should I have need to post a letter or some such trifle then my management would all be able to sleep in peace at night. The main thing I remembered from that course and, what’s more, is something that I shall never forget is that riding a bike is like…er…riding a bike.
Stay safe!
EHU Front Line,
Its bad enough that my brother blew my cover, but you have overstepped the line.
Be afraid, be very afraid.
Actually, I’d like it said that despite him calling me insane on a previous post, I am the only sane member of our family….and not bad looking either.
Gadget on the other hand……ahhhh the stories I could tell………
For Bob above – I am currently in disgrace for something similar and i’m waiting for a decision from the Clown prosecution service…….maybe there’s some hope….
TGB, Don’t know you or your situation but as a copper, like you, hope everything gets sorted out for you.
Re the comment by Bob above, the link to the PC Armstrong case is below. Its the Bradford local ‘Telegraph & Argus’…. not THE Telegraph !! lol. That taxed my internet searching skills a bit.
http://www.thetelegraphandargus.co.uk/mostpopular.var.1764855.mostviewed.judge_attacks_pc_prosecution_as_politically_correct_disgrace.php
Guv, could you email me – I think I have a ginger eyebrowed dog on the horizon…
BelfastPeeler
I am not in a position to email you because I am known in PSNI for reasons I won’t go into. My anonimity is very important to me at the moment. I will ask Political Police to drop you a line and he and I can help out.
Give me a couple of days – don’t worry, I’m on it!
ha ha, not ruralshire but somewhere similar, semi rural and with signs in 2 languages. (No not the language of common sense and that of the police service)
You guys are a breath of fresh air. Before too long the middle classes are going to revolt as the bottom feeding leprous scumbag commie PC (as in politically correct) machine runs out of our money to propel it further. At that time people such as myself are going to stand for office as Sheriff. Were any of you to serve in my county (remember the word?) force (remember the word?) you could have your choice of car and a 9mm Glock and Beretta Xtrema 2 ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7GEA9-INHC8) would be issued if you wanted them. Men – your country has gone to hell and most of your buddies are emigrating to places where the police and the public actually have the same goals and you would not be hampered by brain dead politicians who love socialism and hate the truth. I’d have chain gangs to hand clean the rivers and recommend you begin by look at the sterling work done by a real close friend of mine in the USA – stocks and strokes. In the fifites – maybe right up to 1975 you had a good country. You haven’t now. Take it back.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joe_Arpaio
No way!
This site can’t be serious! Admitidly – it’s hilarious, brilliant, genious and a great great idea…
But, this can’t be for real… (can it?)
Simon Bennett. CTS / CIW
Association of British Ex Service Personnel
[...] And poor old Inspector Gadget cant even get his 4×4 off the tarmac. [...]
[...] In the comments section of speed-wagon, between my youngest sister and EHU Front-line, a regular reader, after I mentioned four wheel [...]
I laughed like a drain when I read this; however I do note that the police have rolled a number of 4×4s and similar vehicles on and off road.
Doctors are given authority to use their common sense at times and prescribe drugs “off-license” i.e. outside the uses for which the drug has been approved. I am surprised that an officer (who hopefully is not a jobsworth) is not able to exercise a similar amount of discretion and common sense in exercising his authority,