Ruralshire Constabulary have apologised to the public, after admitting that the weather is due to change this week.
Inspector Gadget, senior officer in charge of apologising to the public, released the following statement:
“I admit that an area of low pressure is moving towards Ruralshire from the Atlantic. We know from past experience that this may cause some wet and windy weather, and I can only apologise for this. I can reassure the public that we totally accept that we are to blame, and we will try to do better next time, errrr……. has anyone got a crafty doughnut?”
Gadget produced the following training poster outlining policing standards.
On Target Improving Failing
Already responsible for every iccle ting that goes wrong in society, clearly failing to bring up and educate the nation’s children adequately and woefully unable to promote civilised behaviour by binge drinkers and religous fanatics, those nasty persons in blue have now made it rain and be cold!
Snow, where is the snow? we, the public have read in the papers how bad ‘everything’ is and all you are giving us is rain? We were expecting a blizzard at the very least; come on, you can do better than this.
Boss
I have been alarmed by the tone of your recent posts.
I found out today that my Grandad has got to go into an old people’s respite home, as he is no longer capable of looking after himself.
Now it seems that YOU may be being sent away to a training department.
I don’t think I can cope anymore.
On behalf of the entire police service (force), I would like to take this opportunity to apologise for global warming, aids, the Iraq war, trouble in Lebanon, the untimely death of Princess Diana and famine in the third world.
SORRY!!!
No sir, I must insist on taking all the blame. For I am like a green golf ball, utterly useless. For whilst I sleep on my day off, bad things will happen all over the world. Oh why was I not born with superhuman powers, just like a journalist or a politician.
I am so lazy for not being able to go without sleep & selfish for taking time away from the job that cannot do.
Also if anyone has not enjoyed their dinner today I am afraid that is my fault too. I have asked Mrs Peeler to run me a cold bath as punishment.
Now where did I put that horse hair shirt?
Excellent post, giggled all the way through it.
I would also like to add that I wish to apologise on behalf of the police service for ANY unforeseen incidents that will, without, doubt take place in the future. It is a shocking situation when the police service are either incapable or do not care about preventing future incidents.
I suggest that the SMT make predicting the future a detection, then they will tackle it with all the vigour that should be used preventing crime and catching criminals.
Cant we just cut to the chase!
On behalf of all Police officers in the UK we apologise for being born.
As had we not then none of what has come before would have come to pass and the power of the ring would not be lost in the midst of time…………. oops sorry carried away there!
surely if we pass a law making bad weather illegal, then it will cease immediatley and all in ruralshire will sunny again?
I get it! It’s a Dan Browne plot! You lot belong to one of those extreme self-flagelating Roman Catholic sects don’t you? You know the one…Coppers Dei I think it’s called…and so what do you reckon to the copper-clad line down the middle of Scotland Yard? I guess if you follow the clues and then open the secret Police Box you find the average Chief Constable reckons he’s descended fro Jesus Christ…but (pauses for thought)…I thought you knew that anyway…
I would like to apologise on behalf of the police for the extinction of the dinosaurs, truely magnificent creatures and must be our fault that they are extinct. Shame they are no longer around we could have fed chavs to them.
Enough Sir! Desist with your self pity.
I saw a rather large, and angry looking, cummulo-nimbus the other day. Let me tell you…I was a little bit afraid and so I rang your office on 999 to ask for help in ridding my neighbourhood of this latest menace.
It was blocking the sunlight from drying Mrs. Magics unmentionables on the eco-friendly, string washing line. And there is nothing worse than soggy unmentionables let me tell you!
Can you not issue an ASBO against God or something? Come on man, do something! Dont let your lack of “Pro-active metrological patrols” let us down!
Well, we were forecast rain yesterday but we had clear blue skies all day! So you must be doing something right!
Mr Mans Wife, I hope you are more than a fair weather friend!
We the public have such short memories, we soon forget the sunny days when it starts raining again.
17yr old boy goes out with his mates. Get’s plastered and ends up kipping on a mates sofa. Tearful mum reports him ‘missing’ at about 4am. Officer is sent. Paperwork commenced and area search made.
Several hours later he phones mum to tell her where he is.
She phones police and tells us we (the police) have a ‘duty of care’ to her son and must go across town and give him a lift home.
Amamzingly, the duty Inspector agrees, citing the Osman thing, and we give him a lift home.
So there you have it. The ‘problem’ of ferrying drunken teenagers home 24/7 is the fault of the police as well!
Soooooooooo Inspector Scapegoat I presume?
Disturbing doughnut obsession. My recently educated mind (I love courses) suggests this may be an unconscious coping mechanism.
I forgot to apologise for our nations poor performances recently at Cricket and rugby!
Obviously any success cannot possibly be attributed to the police. So England beating Argentina 6-1 in the World cup has nothing whatsoever to do with the police.
Kie says we should pass a law making bad weather illegal. That would be worse than finding a blame. Because, if bad weather is illegal, when we get some, someone must be responsible. They will have to be detected, prosecuted, and become a crime statistic. Hang about - detected? Could this actually be something the CID might actually detect? Anyways, detections and prosecutions mean targets… need I go on!
ETB Your Inspector is an idiot. And a symptom of everything that is wrong with us lot nowadays. If he actually read the Osman thingy, and had the wit to understand it, he would know that it requires us (very basically) to do what we can to protect life. Which is what we all promised to do when we joined anyway isn’t it ? Unless the sofa was on fire, or his mate was keeping him on it at gun point, then he is safe, just not where mummy would like him to be. No obligation on us to take any further action, and what’s more, I would be interested in whether your insurance actually covers you to carry passengers in these circumstances. Ours doesn’t !
What worries me more, is that at our briefings, due to a lack of decent intelligence and level one targets a large portion of our briefings actually contain the weather forecast. It seems to have been added after someone suggested to the Superintendent that when PC RAIN was on duty crime dropped, as most ‘patrolf officers’ could vouch for anyway. I am just waiting for them to plan staffing levels around the weather forecast - god help us if Michael FISH ever starts doing the weather again. No hurricane here!
Ah, PC RAIN always there when you don’t want him and never there when you do. 2.55am PC RAIN goes off duty leaving everyone else to pick up the pieces - I might as well take the blame for letting him off duty early, sorry lads.
When it was raining all summer and the electric was off in hell…um hull, a man phoned a well known electricity suppliers emergency helpline to report his electric as being off. My sister (who was manning said phone) informed him that they knew but were not going to repair it until the water goes away, the man was less than happy but accepted that you can’t fix electricity when it’s wet so he asked who he could complain to about the rain…she told him to phone the Met office, maybe she just should have told him to call the Met
While I can see that clearly the police are to blame for most of the ills in society could I just take the opportunity to remind you all that we teachers share that position. Our failure to teach the young to behave, eat, dress, toilet, be happy etc should not be forgotten.
I am so glad no one in the sticks is complaining about the henny alarm and his doodle doo.
Ref giving the scrote a lift home : I got nicked once (20 years ago - a singularly unfortunate incident involving youth , stupidity and lager) and was amazed when the copper who arrested me asked if I’d like a lift home. “How kind” I thought.
Only after about an hour of waiting on my own being laughed at by passing constables did I realise that he may have been tricking me. How I laughed as I walked home in the rain.
Lifts home for deserving cases but remember no good deed goes unpunished.
I am sorry PC Copperfied has left. I am really…but that was not my fault.
sizeninekey:
ref detections for bad weather offences, I think I have a plan here….
crime it, then record as detected whilst putting “act of god” on the paperwork - in fact, for good measure lets correct that to “the infinite wisdom and graciousness of Allah”
the senior management will descend into a spin of hair pulling and confusion with diversity and racial awareness coordinators saying they have to accept the detection, since they have to accept your beliefs, and if Allah sent the weather, then he must be accepted as a detected perpretrator - you could even refer to koran texts as written confessions.
hang on - we could extend this to a good selection of other crimes - falling tree = criminal damage, detected. 80 year old passes in his sleep= manslaughter. yhis could revolutionise our detection figures.
twenty seventh…did you see the BBC1 programme tonight featuring David Copperfield (who is now emigrating)? Much of what you and other police bloggers have been saying was preet fairly (I think) expressed there…but I bet tomorrow the government shrug it off as usual…
preet? Could have sworn I typed preet…sorry pretty
So it’s YOU I have to blame for the floods we had then is it IG?! Least you could have done is sent me a dinghy, or some nice be-uniformed rescuers! Lol
I’m glad to see PCSW & Granny recognise their faults, except you forgot to apologise for the abdication of Edward, Queen Victoria’s death, the great fire of London, the plague, Spice Girls/Atomic Kitten & London’s hash of the Olympic logo,
Huh, just can’t get the staff these days!
It boils down to spineless senior management not backing response supervisors and team inspectors when they tell manipulative people and organizations to go forth and multiply when they phone us with silly demands.
Give my drunk son a lift home? NO you get him or pay for a taxi.
Lost another kiddie from your private profit making home for teenage brats? Clearly you can’t look after them. We’re taking them all into police protection and writing a report to social services (not that it will do any good but it may start to dent your profits).
Lost another suicidal patient from your secure facility? How about we start investigating your organisation for some sort of criminal negligence/manslaughter if it turns into a fatality.?
Son won’t do the dishes???(I was sent to this!!!)How about I tell you not to be such a f*****g idiot for phoning us about this?
And on and on and on……. I need more beer
girlnextdoor,
Damn, no the spice girls are definitely my fault. I think I once had a dream about an all girl band.
Alix,
How dare you teachers try to steal some of our misery & blame. Bog off, go & make your own mistakes. It is our fault that children go uneducated & behave badly. I am outraged that you would try to share in some of my misfortune.
Oh now look what you have done, in my exasperation a small rain cloud has formed directly over my head & it has started to rain. Just on me.
INDOORS!!!